How to Overcome Shame: The Power of Self-Compassion
Key Takeaways
- How to overcome shame: Shame thrives on self-criticism. Self-compassion breaks that cycle, making room for healing and growth.
- Three components of self-compassion: Mindfulness helps you notice shame without judgment, common humanity reminds you that you're not alone, and kindness helps you meet yourself with care instead of criticism.
- Staying connected to yourself: Shame can make us feel unworthy of connection. Self-compassion helps us stay connected to ourselves anyway—even in our hardest moments.
Shame—we’ve all felt it. That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, a tight throat or chest, the urge to shrink or look away.
But what exactly is shame, why do we experience it, and how can we overcome shame when it shows up? The answer may surprise you.
Before we dive into shame, it’s important to remember that all humans share a fundamental need to feel connected, loved, valued, and to know that we matter.
What is Shame?
Shame researcher Brené Brown describes shame as the intensely painful feeling of believing that we are defective and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.
Clinical psychologist Christopher Germer describes shame as one of the most difficult emotions. Shame can occur when we experience or fear, disconnection, rejection, or devaluation by others. Since connection and belonging are so important to us, these experiences can be incredibly painful.
Unfortunately, when we feel shame, we often respond by becoming critical of ourselves for having the experience. This adds another layer of suffering to an already painful experience.
In my work with clients, I often see them confuse shame with guilt, believing “I am bad” rather than “I did something bad.” Recognizing this distinction can be an important first step in working through shame.
How to Overcome Shame
Self-compassion experts Christopher Germer and Kristin Neff describe self-compassion, or how we relate to ourselves when we are suffering, as an antidote to shame. Neff’s three-part practice offers a gentle way to bring intentional warmth, kindness, and encouragement to ourselves and move through shame in a more skillful way.
Mindfulness
The first step in overcoming shame is mindfulness. Mindfulness means paying attention to our thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations in the present moment without judgment.
We start by noticing what is happening inside us rather than turning against ourselves. You might notice constriction in your throat or stomach, tension in your chest, the urge to shrink, or a sense of freezing. Allow the sensations to be there without trying to change them. You might gently breathe into the sensations, not to change them, but to create a little more space around them. As Kristin Neff says, “We can’t heal what we can’t feel.”
Next, name your experience. This is shame.
You may notice other emotions as well: I feel angry. I feel frustrated. I feel sad.
UCLA neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman’s research suggests that simply naming what we feel can help calm the brain’s stress response—sometimes referred to as “name it to tame it.”
You can also ask yourself what you are afraid others might think of you in this experience: They’ll judge me. They’ll think something is wrong with me. Once these thoughts are identified, remind yourself that they are thoughts, not facts—old habits of the mind that are not necessarily true or helpful. You don’t have to believe them or let them direct your actions.
Common Humanity
The next step is recognizing the common humanity in our experience.
When we feel shame, we often feel alone and isolated from others. However, the truth is that we all feel shame from time to time and we are not alone in this. Remembering that shame is part of the human experience can help us feel less alone in it.
You can validate your experience by recognizing that it makes sense to feel hurt when connection, belonging, and feeling valued are so important to us.
Kindness
The final step is kindness.
We offer ourselves kindness not as a way to get rid of the shame (what we resist persists), but simply because we are having a difficult time.
One way to do this is through soothing touch. You might place a hand over the area where you feel the shame. As Neff writes in Fierce Self-Compassion, this kind of touch can help calm the body's stress response and support self-compassion. Just what we need when we’re feeling disconnected or devalued.
For more on the science behind the benefits of touch, read my article on the 20-second hug.
Next, ask yourself: “What words do I need to hear right now?” and say the words you most need to hear, as you would to a trusted friend. You might say: “This was very hurtful. You are a good person having a difficult time. I see you are trying the best you can. I’m here for you. I’ve got you, no matter what.”
Mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness allow us to tune into the feelings of shame, helping us process and learn from the experience rather than be overwhelmed by it. Self-compassion also helps us feel safer, making it easier to learn, grow, and make changes than when we are feeling overwhelmed by self-criticism.
Most importantly, when shame tells us we are unworthy of connection, self-compassion helps us remain connected to ourselves.
Shame and anxiety often go hand in hand. If you're struggling with shame or self-criticism, therapy can help you develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself. Learn more about my approach to Anxiety Therapy.
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Therapist Bio
Cari Browning, RN, LCSW is a licensed therapist and founder of Resilience Focused Therapy in Walnut Creek, CA. Combining her expertise as a nurse and psychotherapist, she brings a whole-person, mind-body perspective to her work, supporting both emotional and physical health. Cari specializes in helping adults and teens navigate anxiety, stress, health concerns, and chronic pain using science-backed approaches, including EMDR, DBT, ACT, and Pain Reprocessing Therapy (PRT). She is passionate about blending practical tools with compassionate care to help clients feel confident, resilient, and more connected.